Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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