I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
