He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
