Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
