People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
