Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
