our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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