New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
