I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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