hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
