If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
