someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
