Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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