Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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