yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
