My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I have tasted many bathrooms
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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