im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
