He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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