DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
