Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
