I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
