I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
