3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
