did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
