Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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