I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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