You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
