You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
