wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
