We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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