How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
