between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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