he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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