Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
