shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
