Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
