i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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