can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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