The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
