new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
