I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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