Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My penis needs a shock collar
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
