Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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