I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There are leaves in my underwear?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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