you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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