I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
