she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
