You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
