I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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