Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
