Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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