As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Pants are for mortals
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
