don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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