When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
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