If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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