What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
