Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
